M-Theory: Shizzam!

The Science Channel’s documentary "Parallel Universe" fucked my brain beyond repair.

It began with string theory. Which states that the smallest bits of matter are not zero-dimensional particles, but one-dimensional strings. If everything is made of strings, and we can figure out how these strings behave, then we could theoretically figure out the way everything behaves and sum it up in one neat Theory of Everything. Too bad five different string theories emerged . . .

Each of the five string theories accounted for 10 dimensions of space, since the strings would vibrate in 10 dimensions. Eventually, scientists realized that if they incorporated a newfangled 11th dimension called "supergravity" into their theories, then all five string theories would be compatible. In this 11th dimension, all the strings would be woven together into the "membrane" of our universe (hence: M-Theory). Which would mean that everything is connected. (Of course, a good dose of shrooms will precipitate the same conclusion.)

What will really fuck with your soul, though, is this: the eleventh dimension would contain not only the membrane of our universe, but also the membranes of an infinite number of universes. Universes where there may be life; universes where there may not be life. Universes where there may be civilizations of human beings; universes where there may be civilizations of unicorns. Universes where Paula Abdul responded to your fan letter; universes where Paula Abdul did not respond to your fan letter. You get the idea.

The existence of parallel universes is one possible explanation for the weakness of gravity (relative to the other forces). Consider this: when you take a magnet to a paperclip, that paperclip overcomes gravity to jump to the magnet. And we can overcome gravity ourselves by climbing up a cliff; you have to be in shape, of course, but it’s possible. So why is gravity so lame? Perhaps it "leaked" into our universe from another universe? Hmm?

The existence of parallel universes would also explain the Big Bang theory – new universes are formed when membranes collide. Physics combine, explode, burst forth. Etc.

Are you lost? Yeah, me too at this point. I’m only beginning to comprehend this. Further investigation is necessary - and assured.

MC Skat Kat: Original Bad Boy

It's said that at some point in her burgeoning adulthood, every young girl will go through a phase where she will desire and covet nothing but complete assholes.

Is this learned behaviour? Genetic? Biologically predetermined?

Perhaps. But I'd like to present another theory for your consideration:

The corrupting influence of MC Skat Kat

In her seminal hit "Opposites Attract," Paula Abdul tells us that her lover, MC Skat Kat, parties all night, moves fast, shouts, smokes, steals the covers, gets obsessed and is always broke.

Yet, Paula still loves him, still desires him, and when they get together they have "nothing but fun."

Well, shit.

What young girl doesn't want to have "nothing but fun?" And apparently, as Paula has stated, she can only do so with her complete opposite -- a possessive, free-loading cigarette-smoking loser like MC Skat Kat.

You owe me extra now, Paula!





PS - Straight up! Paula Abdul's Greatest Hits is only $7.99 at Amoeba.

Blinding You With Science: Gravity Kills

Last night's episode of "The Universe" -- you know, the History Channel show and primary source of my astronomical knowledge -- was about the life and death of stars.

Stars are born when gravity pulls a cloud of hydrogen together into a ball. Gravity would immediately collapse this ball of hydrogen together into an extremely dense nugget of matter; however, the very act of gravity pulling hydrogen together into a ball creates heat that synthesizes hydrogen into helium molecules. This synthesis (aka "nuclear fusion") creates an "outward" force to balance the "inward" force of gravity so that the star ceases to contract. (Imagine arm wrestling someone of equal strength: both of you are applying great force, but no one's arm is going anywhere.) This period of stasis in a star's life is called the "main sequence" -- our own sun is currently in the "main sequence" phase of its life.

Eventually, though, all of the hydrogen molecules in the core of the star are turned into helium, and then things get crazy. If the star is quite large (nine solar masses or more), then there is enough energy for its new helium core to fuse, which creates carbon, which fuses together to create oxygen, which fuses together to create neon, and then silicon and sulfur and iron. At this point, the star is at the end of its red giant phase, and no more elements can be synthesized because, unlike the lighter elements preceding it, iron does not produce energy when it fuses together. Rather, iron consumes energy when it fuses together, and at a certain size the iron core can no longer support its own mass and collapses from the size of our Sun to the size of Manhattan in half a second. This sudden collapse creates a massive shockwave that explodes the rest of the star's material into space -- a supernova. The energy released during a supernova synthesizes the heaviest element of the former star -- iron -- into all of the remaining heavier elements in the universe.

That means calcium, silver, gold, everything. Everything heavier than iron in all of existence was synthesized from the material of an exploding star.

Deal with that.

So, in sum:

1. Everything around us is a product of gravity's force on hydrogen.

2. No finite amount of hydrogen can withstand the force of gravity.

3. Gravity always wins, and produces a lot of cool stuff.


So where did gravity come from?

Blinding You with Science: Life on the Moons of Saturn

Saturn is a remarkable planet for many reasons:

• Saturn's rings are 21 Earths wide, 65 feet deep and spin at a rate of 20-40,000 miles per hour

• The material that comprises Saturn's rings is constantly eroded by micro-meteorites and the rings may one day disappear

• There's a huge ass hurricane on the south pole and a hexagonal vortex on its north pole

• It's less dense than water and would float if put in a giant ocean

But the weirdest thing about Saturn are its moons.

Titan and Enceladus, two of Saturn's 48 named moons, may have the ingredients necessary to support life.

Titan is the only moon with an atmosphere - an atmosphere made of methane and nitrogen, which are the same two ingredients that comprised Earth's early sky. When scientist Margaret Tolbert of the University of Colorado combined these elements in her lab and exposed them to sunlight, organic compounds began to form. Egads!

Enceladus is covered in snow -- yes, frozen water -- and one region in its southern hemisphere is covered in steam-spouting geysers. (We know it's water vapor because our space probes have flown through the geysers and collected samples, apparently.) Scientists think that the geysers are caused by Saturn's gravitational pull on Enceladus; this pull creates a tidal force that moves ice deep beneath the moon's surface. The friction of this movement warms the ice until it melts, and heats the water until it evaporates, until spouts of water and water vapor burst through the surface of the moon.

Scientists say there may be life in the water beneath the moon's icy surface -- but it would only be in the form of microbes and bacteria.

So, what if we found life on one of Saturn's moons? Would that put an end to Creationism? Or, could one claim that God put the microbes on Enceladus to test our faith?

Discuss.

Blinding You with Science: Venus Envy

This week's episode of The Universe was about the two planets closest to the sun: Mercury and Venus.

Picture this: You're standing on hardened lava in extremely dense, 900 degree toxic air. Above you, 50,000 degree lightening bolts discharge horizontally from sulfur cloud to sulfur cloud. Because the clouds are so thick, daylight is dim -- and because the planet's rotation is so slow, it will take eight (Earth) months for the day to end.

Yeah, that's what Venus is like.

But the most shocking factoid about Venus is that billions of years ago (scientists believe), it had oceans -- just like Earth!

But it also had a ton of volcanoes. And the volcanoes released so much carbon dioxide into the atmosphere that clouds formed, trapping heat and raising temperatures until the oceans evaporated.

Sound familiar? Yeah, that's the greenhouse effect -- in fact, we didn't know about the green house effect until we studied Venus.

So, consider this: If Venus had oceans until the carbon dioxide trapped heat and caused them to evaporate, is it possible that, if we humans somehow release as much CO2 as the volcanoes on Venus, our planet will meet a similar fate and become Venusian?

Or, what if it wasn't the volcanoes that dumped so much CO2 on Venus -- what if it was an earlier civilization of Earth-like humans? (Remember, Venus used to have oceans and a climate much like today's Earth . . .)

I'm not attesting to the likelihood of this theory . . . but it is interesting to think about.

Everytime I watch one of these shows, I think of how small and insignificant and arbitrary our lives are in the scheme of things (and by things I mean time and space).

Then I think, well, if we're so small and arbitrary and insignificant, then what makes us think we actually have the capacity to understand all this? Maybe science is just a bunch of BS.

But if science was just a bunch of BS, then we wouldn't have been able to use it to develop space travel, medicine, plastic, etc. etc.

So science works, is all I'm saying.

(And Creationism is stupid.)

(And Global Warming is real!)

What if Venus was a parallel Earth? A parallel Earth where humans existed and made great things with coal and oil and chemicals -- but the history of these humans was different than ours in that their attempts to regulate pollution with environmental regulations similar to those we put into effect in the 19th century and early 20th century here were defeated by religious zealots?

I want to see that movie.

Fear and Loathing in the Showcase Showdown

Neither Geoff nor I had ever consumed peyote, but we both agreed the experience must be something like a taping of The Price is Right.

Consider the similarities:

Distortion of time and space

The first noticeable similarity between the taping of The Price is Right and a psychedelic experience was the complete distortion of time and space. Throughout the day, I experienced persistent confusion over what time and day it was and where I was supposed to be. This began immediately as I took my spot in line behind 246 other people on Beverly Boulevard at 4 a.m. on a Tuesday morning (after coming home from the El-P show and only sleeping for one hour). It lasted throughout the day; a day that ended with piles of free cheese samples from Whole Foods, picking Drew up from LAX and eating pizza while Geoff played God of War II. By the time the whole thing was over, it felt as though one week had passed.

Heightened awareness of bodily functions

I wasn't cold during the first hour I stood in line; probably because I was distracted by Super Mario on my Nintendo DS. But by 5 a.m., I had to put the DS away because my hands were going numb and I had to draw them into the sleeves of my hoodie to get my blood flowing again. But the hoodie wasn't enough to keep my body from convulsing and I shivered violently for the next hour and a half, well after the sun came up and Geoff and Ryan arrived in time to receive the first of our passes at 6 a.m.

Repetition and Cycles

Attending a taping of The Price is Right involved a lot of standing in line and waiting for pieces of colored paper with numbers on them, which were exchanged for other pieces of colored paper with numbers on them, etc. etc., ad nauseam.

First, we had to wait in line to get an "order of arrival" pass at 6 a.m.
Then, we got to leave, but had to come back by 8 a.m. to wait in another line for a "priority" pass.
Then, we got to leave again, but had to come back by 10 a.m. to get our "final" pass.

Then, we waited in the CBS holding area (a patio with a few metal benches) to exchange our final pass for an identification card, and exchange our identification card for a cardboard badge, and exchange our cardboard badge for a Pricetag Nametag. We sat there, lined up numerically, from 10 a.m till 1:30 p.m., until we were finally taken around the corner in groups of ten for interviews.

Delusions of grandeur

"What if we assassinated Bob Barker?" Yes, this is what Geoff asked me as he drove to Starbucks during our first break. The route to the nearest Starbucks from Echo Park seemed unnecessarily lengthy and, for a second, I was convinced he was driving me to a gun shop in Glendale -- but, nope, it was just a Starbucks.

The familiar becomes strange

After Starbucks, we returned to CBS studios and parked at The Grove. The Grove is a very strange place at 7:30 a.m. It's abandoned, except for a team of Latino janitors scrubbing the floors and fountains. And the music -- that ambient jazz still plays at 7:30 a.m., even though the place is deserted.

The strange becomes familiar

After we got our second pass at 8 a.m., the "priority seating" pass, we were released for our second break and walked over to Pan Pacific Regional Park. None of us had ever been to the park before, and I think we were all surprised by its size and amusements. Besides a soccer field, a pirate-themed playground, and plenty of open space, it also has a Holocaust memorial and a smattering of 70's era fitness equipment -- monkey bars, balance beams, and wooden posts of various sizes.

Unusual cravings

After we left Pan Pacific Regional Park we decided we should eat something else to prepare us for the long day ahead; something with more nutritional value than a Starbucks donut. So we walked over to the Farmer's Market but, in spite of its diverse offerings, couldn't find anything we wanted. We finally settled on two different kinds of sliced salami from Mr. Marcel's Gourmet Market (both delicious).

Anxiety

Back in the holding pen, we were smashed together with our fellow contestants, most of whom were from elsewhere in the US and had that certain middle-American varnish, if you will. Many were shouting and singing at the encouragement of the PAs. One off-duty PA -- to torture us? -- stopped by to lead the crowd in a few renditions of "The Brady Bunch" and other popular and intolerable television theme songs.

We had to sit there for three hours.

Periods of intense introspection

At 1:30 p.m., we were finally allowed to leave our metal benches and walk around the corner to sit on more metal benches, to be interviewed by a producer in groups of ten. This is how they choose the contestants. The producer only asks two questions -- where you're from and what you do -- so you better have yourself summed up in a pithy, enthusiastic answer. After thinking about it for awhile, all my tired brain could come up with was, "I'm a writer from Los Angeles." This will not get you on the show. Apparently, screaming "WHOEVER GETS ON THE SHOWCASE, IMA JUMPIN' ONSTAGE WITH YA!" will.

Sensory overload

The theater is just as trippy as you might imagine, with its day-glo banana yellows and electric oranges and whatnot, but it's even trippier in person because everything's smaller than you expected, and tangible. And the intolerable crowd you've spent the last four hours with keeps chanting and screaming for Barker's blood on cue.

Heartbreaking revelations of the human condition

I had to wonder how others in the audience, many of whom had traveled across the country and had been standing in line since 5 p.m. the previous day, could maintain their unflagging enthusiasm throughout the entire grueling process. Even though all I had to do was take a day off work and drive 10 minutes down the street, my own enthusiasm had been beaten down and sullied. I suspect that the Price is Right die-hards were sustained by the magic of television and their overwhelming desire for 15 minutes fame. Until the era of Reality TV, The Price is Right was the easiest way for the common man to a) get on television and b) win big -- you didn't have to know the name of the seventh Pope; you just had to fill out a self-addressed stamped envelope, fly to Los Angeles, and pay careful attention to the price of laundry detergent. A contestent can enter the studio as an Average Joe, but he can return home as a Star, forever known in his small town as the guy who won the drum set on the Showcase Showdown.

Finding God

Or maybe it really is just Bob. Because in spite of my exhaustion, and disappointment at being seated in the WORST seat in the house (in the front row, but in front of the announcer's podium, which blocked most of the view), Barker charmed my middle-American soul like only he can. It was kind of like the ultimate Sick Day -- I was tired, let down, bored and beaten, but then Barker took the stage and made everything okay.

Irreversible, life-changing experience

For better or worse, I will never feel the same after The Price is Right. It was like peering into something you were never meant to see: you feel privileged for the view, but soiled by the knowledge. Like when Dorothy sees the Wizard. Or when Ashton Kutcher travels through time in The Butterfly Effect. Or when Scientologists go out on boats and learn that L. Ron Hubbard is God.

Many thanks to G n' R for going with me -- I couldn't have done it without you guys.

Socially Conscious Comics

Did you know that the Green Goblin's son Harry was hospitalized for using LSD? Or that the Green Arrow's ward was a heroin addict? Or that Northstar was the first openly gay superhero?


(Thanks, marvel.com!)

If you're shaking your head "no," my friend Jeaux Janovsky is here to take you to school. He wrote and illustrated a great article on Controversial Comics for PulpSecret.com -- click on the "read more" link below to check it out!



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